Looking at myself

I am actually kind of excited about the new year. I believe that this year is going to be exciting and a better time for me. I just need to take better care of myself. I need to realize that I am worth more then I think. Get out of my bad cycles of laziness. Get up and do something about my life not just spend my life waiting and being down. This year I am going to make count. It can be a new start for me and I am happy about that.Happy New Year Everyone! I hope this year is better to you then the last.

Growing Up

So lately I have being trying to be mature about things and relax more. I tend to be a pretty nervous person. I am trying to learn that when something is supposed to happen it will. No need to over focus and get bent out of shape about it. Try and see what happens. Like one of my favorite quotes says "Everything happens for a reason."

Bothersome

It seems that a lot of stuff bother me. My house, people sometimes, life, myself especially. How can I fix this?

Plans

I believe I have a better idea of what I am going to do in the future. I am just going to have to make myself stick with it and not be indecisive about it.

2 days

It is a little less than 48 hours till I go to the Alabama game. I still need to figure out what to wear, but that shouldn't be a problem since I have many Alabama clothes to wear.

I bought a new camera a Nikon L110. I have been trying to figure out how to work it. Now I can take nicer pictures when I travel and when I am with family and friends.

Dear Boys,

Don't flirt with me or say sweet things about me if you have a girlfriend. I obviously am not cute enough for you to go out with so why say that when you have a girlfriend.You should focus on being more respectful to your girlfriend. Thanks!

Declutter

I need to declutter my room. It is an absolute mess. I decorated it a bit today and tomorrow I am going to clean it up and throw a lot away.

Candid

I am tired. I am tired of trying to figure out my life. I never have confidence in myself. I emotionally beat myself down into the dirt and can't seem to pick myself up. I should mention I am a weak person, very weak. I doubt myself. I am my worst enemy. I let people run over me. In fact I would probably let someone use my car run over me and then say I am sorry it is my fault because I was in the way. That is how much of a push over I am. I am learning to deal with this better.

I am glad I have this blog to let my feelings out. I just get down sometimes like we all do. I should mention I do have good days and for the most part I am a happy person.Life is just so much harder then I thought it would be. I struggle with it everyday. I am sure many people do. Some days I just feel like I can't handle it well.

I should focus on more happy things instead of focusing on the bad things. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Though, I wish my life would magically change. I know that is not going to happen. I am learning more and growing. I just really hope I figure something out very very soon. I can't keep doing this constantly changing my mind.

Hanging Out

I have been hanging out at my cousins house for a little while. I am enjoying myself. I am getting a break from my house which is good. I want to live in Birmingham, it is great. There is so much to do and I would be close to my cousins. I still haven't figured out my plan for school. I know that I don't want to go back to Community College. Not that Community College is bad I just want to move up. Some people I started with at my second community college have already moved on. What am I going to do? I wonder if a lot people have this problem. I know that many peoples lives don't turn out how they plan. I am learning to accept this fact and figure out another way to make my life work. I am just going to have to pick something and go with it. Last time I did that it didn't really work out.Anyway a big shout out to my amazing cousins Leah and Mary Anne for letting me stay with them and for being so great to me and spoiling me.

Birthday

Today is my birthday and with some of my birthday money I bought painting supplies. I figure it could help me get out my frustration, anger, and be a creative outlet. I am just starting out so they are not awesome. It is just something I can do for fun and not be so lazy. I want to make better choices. I am an adult and I still have some growing up to do.

Getting things out

I need to vent.

So, Every now and then I talk about the pain I keep buried inside me. Failure and let down pretty much sums it up. I used to cry more about it. Now I have just become more numb to it. When you graduate high school you think (or at least I thought)that I was going to go on to do great things that I will enjoy. That is not how it is there maybe disappointment. They don't teach you how to deal with not succeeding. It is just assumed you will carry on. I just feel stuck. I don't want to go back to Community College. I want to have a degree and be proud of myself. Instead I went to two different Community Colleges and didn't get a single degree not even a certificate. I have no paper to show for the amount of years I went to school. I am back to where I started in 2006 when I graduated. It is hard sometimes to see people I went to high school with have degrees. My problem stems from childhood. I was in special education classes from 3rd grade to 12th grade(not all ,but some classes). I was aware of this and felt like I was below everyone else intellectually. So not finishing college makes me feel like that all over again. I thought when I went to college I finally had the choice to be in regular classes. My first college I didn't do very well at. I didn't have the right scores to make it into classes I needed and was limited to what I could take and needed to take remedial classes. My second college I did pretty good in except for math, which is why I can't receive a degree. I am pretty sure I am not going back to Community College. If I can't pass that, a University is pretty much out of the question. Tech school seems like a good option. I just get so mad at myself. Usually one day out of the month gets to me and I can't hold my disappointment in any longer and I cry. The same old thing it doesn't change and it will not until I am proud of myself. I try to have hope and I still do. It is just real hard to not be upset sometimes. I also think this is one reason if not the main reason I sleep so much. It is just something that affects my life. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to so I stay in bed. I am about to be 22 and nothing has changed. I still live at home. I thought I would be in a dorm and live on my own. I glamorized life after high school. How do you accept not being where you want to be in life? How do you find what you are meant to do? I ask God to help me and I am trying to be patient. I don't really like to talk about my problems or feelings because they never change and get quite old. I get tried of hearing and dealing with them. It has been about 3 years that I have been dealing with this. I was oblivious about college and life when I graduated. Not anymore. Life after high school is not what I thought, it is a major turning point in your life and I feel like I didn't really turn properly. I am still inmature. I just hope that the future has better things in store. I await them and will be very happy when all this is past me. I will be a better, healthy, happier, more positive person.

So True

"Old habbits die hard" -English Proverb

I have many habbits I would like to change like being lazy or sleeping too much. It is just too easy to fall back into the same routine.

Change is going to come...Hopefully

Well I am almost 22.

Once again I don't know what I am going to do with my life. Does that shock anyone? It sure doesn't shock me. Will I ever move out? I don't really feel like I have many opitions.I just want to be independant and GROW as a person. I am just sick of dealing with my family sometimes. They annoy me and get on my nerves sometimes. I just want to live my own life is that too much to ask. I guess it is.

One Month

It is one month till my 22nd birthday. I was just getting used to being 21. This past year has gone by fast. I am going to do more of what I want to do. You are only young once. One of my saying that I have been saying alot lately is "You only live once." So remember to do what your heart tells you.

Changes

I am trying to make some positive changes in my life. I am going to start exercising for one. I also want to be able to put my emotions aside. I always think how a situation will affect me and I don't think too much about how a situation affects other people involved. I made a decision to take a break from school for now. I have been working part time and I am going to look for another part time job in the future. I want to feel more like an adult when I turn 22 which is in less than 2 months.

Confused II

I am the most indecisive person I know. I can stand at a vending machine for two minutes deciding if I want animal crackers or chips. You can imagine if I have a hard time at a vending machine my future is much harder to decide.

I am weighing more options for my future now. Something will work out I am just having somewhat of a hard time right now. I just never know what to do! I can't stress that statement enough. I know what I want and that is to travel. I am not sure how to make that work.

Another Goal

I wrote a post entitled Goal a few months ago. I wanted to travel some where in 6-9 months. I am not sure if that is going to happen, but I do know one thing I need sometime alone. I haven't spent too much time alone.I haven't moved out or anything like that. The longest I have been alone is like 4 days and I didn't do anything productive at all. That is going to change. Next summer I want to go on a vacation by myself for at least 5 days in a new city I have never visited before. I need to discover who I am and be more comfortable about myself.

I am thinking somewhere in Maine maybe Portland or San Francisco, California. It is on my bucket list to go to the west coast. I have also thought about going to Maine for a long time. I have time to decide though.

If anyone has any other suggestions let me know. I am looking for a change of scenery.

Hmm

School starts back for me on Tuesday. I am kinda of dreading it. I just want this semester to be over with so I know where I stand and can figure out what to do next.

#9 On my Bucket List

Go to an Alabama football game (a home game).I got my tickets yesterday!

World Cup 2010

I like sports. I started watching the World Cup. I wanted to get more into soccer since that is a sport I haven't yet gotten into. I want to try and be involved in as many sports as I can. When I say this I mean become a fan.I am for the USA, South Korea, Switzerland, and South Africa who is hosting the World Cup.

Goal.

I want to fly out of state to a place I have never been within the next 9 months or so. I am thinking maybe New York City or LA. I want to go to a major city in the U.S. I just need a job and a travel buddy or two.

Back

I had problems with my laptop and got it back today! I also got a cell phone and can text again. I missed technology, but I don't think I will spend alot of time on the internet or my phone. I like to garden now and am trying to be more active. Even just relaxing by the pool is better than being online all day.

Currently.

I change what I am currently into alot. So I thought this would be a kind of interesting thing to do, since next week it will probably change.

This week my..
Favorite Songs- Hey, Soul Sister by Train, Bruises by Chairlift and The Funeral by Band of Horses
Celeb- Leonardo DiCaprio ( He is my Wallpaper and Icon on my Computer) and Johnny Depp.
Favorite Movie I have seen lately- Benny and Joon

Excited about- Going on a trip with my Cousins Leah, MaryAnne and Anna.

Spring Break is this coming week!

Life...

I think my life would be a lot better if I was more positive about myself the way others are about me. I need to realize that sometimes I will fail and to not let that get me down so much. I spend too much time thinking about my past failures. My life isn't going to be perfect and how I expected it to be. I need to accept and get over the things I can't change or stuff I am weaker at then other people. I compare myself with other people too much, and I fall short of what other people achieve. I am my own person and I am going to be different then other people and not as good at certain things other people are good at. I need to just move on!

A Realization

So I am 21 as a lot of you already know. I also am in college, but I am not as far along in college as I thought or hoped for in my life. I thought I was going to be like other people. Go to college, have a part time job, a boyfriend and friends maybe be in some clubs and be able to juggle all that. Well I don't have a boyfriend or a job. I am also not in any clubs. I do have awesome amazing friends. I wanted to get married in like 4-6 years. That doesn't look like it is going to happen and part of me doesn't want it to. I have been living my life as if I was already attached to someone. I am single and free and if I want to go out, I pretty much can. I realize now that I wouldn't mind not getting married till I was 28-31. Maybe it isn't that much of big deal the age difference I mean.Marriage would probably be better when I am more older and more mature. Pretty much the only thing I wanted out of life was to be married and have children. What seemed "normal" to me. I have just wanted to be normal not something above normal. What is normal anyway? There isn't a real clear way to define it, it is just your own interpretation. I discovered that I should live my life and be selfish for the time being so to say before I end up settling down and not doing the little things I want to do. There are alot of things I want to do and enjoy before I settle down and move on into the next phase of my life.

Looking Back...

So tonight I was looking back at my old childhood photos. I was looking for my ice skating pictures specfically. I found them and looked through alot of other pictures like past christmases and birthday parties. I used to be so happy and carefree. I really did have a great childhood filled with different experiences like ice skating,girl scouts, and handbells. I don't know why I stopped doing extra things like that. When I was in high school I just went to school came home and went online and my life has been like that for a while now. I need to get more involved in stuff. It is like I live my life through other peoples happiness and dreams. I don't even really know what I want. If only I still had the spirit and care freeness I had when I was younger. I could do even greater things. I am trying to think outside of the box about what I may like to try or do in the future. I know I would like to try a sport of some sort. Maybe start skating alittle bit though I was never good I just skated around the ice for fun. The problem is I need to find something close to home. Something I can get excited about and enjoy. Maybe become an instructor if I become good. Hopefully, I will stubble opon something soon. I also want to start volunteering somewhere as well.

Winter Olympics 2010

I am excited for the Olympics to start tonight. I enjoy figure skating the most. I liked it a lot when I was younger, but during the 2006 Olympic games I discovered Men's Figure Skating. There I saw Stephane Lambiel of Switzerland. He won the Silver Medal in 2006. I am pulling for him or Evan Lysacek ( Team USA!) to win Gold. It also snowed in Alabama today way to get me more into the spirit.This picture was taken at The Olympic Park in Atlanta.

Where do I go from here...

I am not really sure, once again. Either way I hope I have an adventure!

Birmingham,AL

I love Birmingham. I am glad I live close to it!

A New Year, Hopefully a better me!

School has started back and I am trying to be a better person. I don't think I am horrible or anything, I just need to work on somethings. I would like to be less judgemental and a more stronger person.I also would like to not get down about myself as much as I do and just be thankful for what I have and am able to do. I will become a better person it will just take time.