Getting things out

I need to vent.

So, Every now and then I talk about the pain I keep buried inside me. Failure and let down pretty much sums it up. I used to cry more about it. Now I have just become more numb to it. When you graduate high school you think (or at least I thought)that I was going to go on to do great things that I will enjoy. That is not how it is there maybe disappointment. They don't teach you how to deal with not succeeding. It is just assumed you will carry on. I just feel stuck. I don't want to go back to Community College. I want to have a degree and be proud of myself. Instead I went to two different Community Colleges and didn't get a single degree not even a certificate. I have no paper to show for the amount of years I went to school. I am back to where I started in 2006 when I graduated. It is hard sometimes to see people I went to high school with have degrees. My problem stems from childhood. I was in special education classes from 3rd grade to 12th grade(not all ,but some classes). I was aware of this and felt like I was below everyone else intellectually. So not finishing college makes me feel like that all over again. I thought when I went to college I finally had the choice to be in regular classes. My first college I didn't do very well at. I didn't have the right scores to make it into classes I needed and was limited to what I could take and needed to take remedial classes. My second college I did pretty good in except for math, which is why I can't receive a degree. I am pretty sure I am not going back to Community College. If I can't pass that, a University is pretty much out of the question. Tech school seems like a good option. I just get so mad at myself. Usually one day out of the month gets to me and I can't hold my disappointment in any longer and I cry. The same old thing it doesn't change and it will not until I am proud of myself. I try to have hope and I still do. It is just real hard to not be upset sometimes. I also think this is one reason if not the main reason I sleep so much. It is just something that affects my life. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to so I stay in bed. I am about to be 22 and nothing has changed. I still live at home. I thought I would be in a dorm and live on my own. I glamorized life after high school. How do you accept not being where you want to be in life? How do you find what you are meant to do? I ask God to help me and I am trying to be patient. I don't really like to talk about my problems or feelings because they never change and get quite old. I get tried of hearing and dealing with them. It has been about 3 years that I have been dealing with this. I was oblivious about college and life when I graduated. Not anymore. Life after high school is not what I thought, it is a major turning point in your life and I feel like I didn't really turn properly. I am still inmature. I just hope that the future has better things in store. I await them and will be very happy when all this is past me. I will be a better, healthy, happier, more positive person.