Declutter

I need to declutter my room. It is an absolute mess. I decorated it a bit today and tomorrow I am going to clean it up and throw a lot away.

Candid

I am tired. I am tired of trying to figure out my life. I never have confidence in myself. I emotionally beat myself down into the dirt and can't seem to pick myself up. I should mention I am a weak person, very weak. I doubt myself. I am my worst enemy. I let people run over me. In fact I would probably let someone use my car run over me and then say I am sorry it is my fault because I was in the way. That is how much of a push over I am. I am learning to deal with this better.

I am glad I have this blog to let my feelings out. I just get down sometimes like we all do. I should mention I do have good days and for the most part I am a happy person.Life is just so much harder then I thought it would be. I struggle with it everyday. I am sure many people do. Some days I just feel like I can't handle it well.

I should focus on more happy things instead of focusing on the bad things. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Though, I wish my life would magically change. I know that is not going to happen. I am learning more and growing. I just really hope I figure something out very very soon. I can't keep doing this constantly changing my mind.

Hanging Out

I have been hanging out at my cousins house for a little while. I am enjoying myself. I am getting a break from my house which is good. I want to live in Birmingham, it is great. There is so much to do and I would be close to my cousins. I still haven't figured out my plan for school. I know that I don't want to go back to Community College. Not that Community College is bad I just want to move up. Some people I started with at my second community college have already moved on. What am I going to do? I wonder if a lot people have this problem. I know that many peoples lives don't turn out how they plan. I am learning to accept this fact and figure out another way to make my life work. I am just going to have to pick something and go with it. Last time I did that it didn't really work out.Anyway a big shout out to my amazing cousins Leah and Mary Anne for letting me stay with them and for being so great to me and spoiling me.

Birthday

Today is my birthday and with some of my birthday money I bought painting supplies. I figure it could help me get out my frustration, anger, and be a creative outlet. I am just starting out so they are not awesome. It is just something I can do for fun and not be so lazy. I want to make better choices. I am an adult and I still have some growing up to do.

Getting things out

I need to vent.

So, Every now and then I talk about the pain I keep buried inside me. Failure and let down pretty much sums it up. I used to cry more about it. Now I have just become more numb to it. When you graduate high school you think (or at least I thought)that I was going to go on to do great things that I will enjoy. That is not how it is there maybe disappointment. They don't teach you how to deal with not succeeding. It is just assumed you will carry on. I just feel stuck. I don't want to go back to Community College. I want to have a degree and be proud of myself. Instead I went to two different Community Colleges and didn't get a single degree not even a certificate. I have no paper to show for the amount of years I went to school. I am back to where I started in 2006 when I graduated. It is hard sometimes to see people I went to high school with have degrees. My problem stems from childhood. I was in special education classes from 3rd grade to 12th grade(not all ,but some classes). I was aware of this and felt like I was below everyone else intellectually. So not finishing college makes me feel like that all over again. I thought when I went to college I finally had the choice to be in regular classes. My first college I didn't do very well at. I didn't have the right scores to make it into classes I needed and was limited to what I could take and needed to take remedial classes. My second college I did pretty good in except for math, which is why I can't receive a degree. I am pretty sure I am not going back to Community College. If I can't pass that, a University is pretty much out of the question. Tech school seems like a good option. I just get so mad at myself. Usually one day out of the month gets to me and I can't hold my disappointment in any longer and I cry. The same old thing it doesn't change and it will not until I am proud of myself. I try to have hope and I still do. It is just real hard to not be upset sometimes. I also think this is one reason if not the main reason I sleep so much. It is just something that affects my life. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to so I stay in bed. I am about to be 22 and nothing has changed. I still live at home. I thought I would be in a dorm and live on my own. I glamorized life after high school. How do you accept not being where you want to be in life? How do you find what you are meant to do? I ask God to help me and I am trying to be patient. I don't really like to talk about my problems or feelings because they never change and get quite old. I get tried of hearing and dealing with them. It has been about 3 years that I have been dealing with this. I was oblivious about college and life when I graduated. Not anymore. Life after high school is not what I thought, it is a major turning point in your life and I feel like I didn't really turn properly. I am still inmature. I just hope that the future has better things in store. I await them and will be very happy when all this is past me. I will be a better, healthy, happier, more positive person.

So True

"Old habbits die hard" -English Proverb

I have many habbits I would like to change like being lazy or sleeping too much. It is just too easy to fall back into the same routine.

Change is going to come...Hopefully

Well I am almost 22.

Once again I don't know what I am going to do with my life. Does that shock anyone? It sure doesn't shock me. Will I ever move out? I don't really feel like I have many opitions.I just want to be independant and GROW as a person. I am just sick of dealing with my family sometimes. They annoy me and get on my nerves sometimes. I just want to live my own life is that too much to ask. I guess it is.