I want a change

Well I am trying to come to the conclusion that I need a change in my life.

I feel stuck. I am tried of trying to save money for school and not having enough making minimum wage. It just keeps delaying my graduation which really annoys me. I have other things to pay for as well, I don't want to pay all my tuition and have an emergency and no money left. I am 23 live at home and want to take the burden off my parents. I don't make enough money to take care of myself and I DON'T LIKE IT! Every year I grow older and it stays the same, live at home go to Community College. Well not next year I am taking a break possibly. It is going to take me forever to graduate and at this point I am just angry. I know my parents could help, but I wanted to do it myself. My classes are going to be mostly internet which is not good for me. I did well last semester and this semester I am slacking off, because I don't like reading and not being in class learning with my classmates. I do well in a classroom setting. I am a visual learner.

I tried to not let it bother me, but I knew this semester would get to me. I am tried of trying and failing all the time. Whether it is money or grades. Maybe it isn't working out because it isn't where I am supposed to be. I just picked it so I could get a diploma. ALL I WANT IS A DIPLOMA!!! I am burned out I think with college. I took two semesters off before and I think I miss not dealing with school. I usually go back more driven. I know I can be a driven person and stubbon at times, like I am right now. I think I KNOW what is best for me, but obliviously I don't since I change my mind all the time. I really just need to trust Jesus and stop trying to be practical and rationalize every thing I do. I am a unhappy person and if I don't stop and change it I may grow into a bitter old lady.

Ugh

Sometimes it feels like I can't do much right.

November already.

I feel blah emotionally and physically. I am ready to be done with college and start my career. This is taking too long.

30 day Picture Challenge. Day 30

A picture of someone you miss, my cousin Benjamin. He died 5 years ago. He was the humor of our family. I miss him most during the holidays and his birthday. It is strange to write a Christmas list and not include him or sit in the Christmas circle and not see his face. You don't really think about all the ways a person has shaped your life until they are gone. I don't like to talk about him too much because it makes me sad. I usually just bottle it up. I haven't come to terms with him being gone completely. In my head he is still away at college, even though I know he isn't. I didn't see him that much since I lived in Maryland then so he was usually at college.I miss his humor the most though. He was a creative and funny individual who brighten our family and would have continued to be.

30 day Picture Challenge. Day 29

Source: None via Sarah on Pinterest

A picture that makes you smile, kittens chillin in a sink.

30 day Picture Challenge. Day 28

Source: Uploaded by user via ashley on Pinterest

A picture of something your afraid of ,being single all my life and unloved. Hey it runs through a single lady's head.

30 day Picture Challenge. Day 27

A picture of you and a family member, my grandma and I. I love my Grandma! I love going to her house and watching period dramas with her like Cranford and playing games. I have a bed at Grandma's that is pretty much mine. It has flannel sheets. She cooks great food as well. She is unselfish and caring. I am very lucky to have an amazing women to call Mom (called her that as a child and my "Mom" Mommy) Grandma, Grandmama, Grand Hizzy or whatever else.